Familial bonds

My mother and my sister share an amazing bond between themselves. Much more than I can ever hope to be for my mother.

Between them, unspoken glances are enough and flicks of head give the required feedback. My sister has mastered the art of persistence and knows what works best with my mother. persist and persist and voila she has her bag of goodies. Nothing bothers her - not guilt, or pain of asking or even shyness. Of course if I ever dare try the same tactics, my dearest mum sees through them. "Not tonight," she will say. "I will get it tomorrow." Or. "I will tell you tomorrow."

My mother lost her parents when she was expecting my sister and am sure it forged an untenable bond between the two of them. Pain and anguish is easily felt between them and they can convey lots between then with just a head on the other's shoulder. Its beautiful to watch and envious even. I always feel like I am intruding and looking in on something that I am not to be a part off.

I resent it and even resent myself for resenting this relationship Its not their fault I cannot talk and/or express myself. Seeing what a smile on my sister's face does to my mother, never fails to delight me. My mother's eyes light up and my sister's in turn light up too - for making her smile.

When my sister was a baby she did everything a child can to keep her mother only to herself. She would stand guard outside bathroom doors and lie down in passageways to keep my mum from going to work. She would unswerveingly ask my mum to ask guests she didn't like (which were a lot of them). A lot of her unspoken needs were met while they were just that - unspoken. I know sibling rivalry rears its ugly head but while there are lots of pangs, i still envy their bond.

I did everything to ensure that I would become a part of this bond but by hook or crook I never managed. Being nasty to her... to feeding her inappropriate stuff to playing mischievous pranks.. I did them all. Today listening to all horrors I inflicted on her, I cringe. But seeing their bond exist even today the adult version of tawdry sibling rivalry still rears its ugly head. Does that make me a less of a person or does it just make human....?